“Why was Father Christmas upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?”
I shrug.
“Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.”
Clive Clayhill laughs gutturally, then offers me a nasty grin – his rotten teeth are the same colour as Elaine’s gravy. I push my empty plate away and scuff my chair back on the faded linoleum, feeling strangely nauseated.
That’s what happens when you buy your Christmas crackers in the fucking Sex Shop…
It’s time for part two of my 12 Crimes of Christmas countdown!
Today’s selection were all published by UK crime fiction site Close To The Bone: Christmas Eve Can Kill You, Blue Christmas and XXXmas Boogaloo.
I might be wrong, but I think Christmas Eve Can Kill You was my first ever appearance at Close To The Bone – an association that ultimately spawned three top-quality books (Meat Bubbles, Boneyard Dogs and Ten Pints of Blood)!
It’s interesting to read Christmas Eve Can Kill You back after all these years (I wrote it seven years ago!). It’s pretty damn hardboiled, but lacks the twisted humour of the later stories, and the protagonist isn’t really reflective of the character Joe Rey became. I think I described it as the Nativity story with added hammers at the time. That just about sums it up!
I think Blue Christmas is probably my favourite of the three – not least because it marked the first ever appearance of Benson & Hedges, a pair of elderly cops who outgrew their light relief bit-part roles and evolved into two of my favourite supporting characters.
Enjoy!
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